I asked my nine-year-old this question for two years. Did you have fun? I asked it after every game. After every practice. After the school play.
He always said yes. Even when he didn’t. Especially when he didn’t.
The reason he said yes is that the question is a trap. Did you have fun is also please tell me this was worth it. Please tell me the time and the money and the alarm at six on a Saturday were worth it. Please make me feel okay about being a sports parent.
He could feel that. Of course he could.
So now I ask three things instead. I rotate them.
What was the part you were nervous about going in?
Was there a moment that felt good?
Did anyone make you laugh?
The first one acknowledges that there was something hard, which there always was. The second one lets him pick a small thing, which is what kids actually have. The third one is for me — I want to know about the kid who made him laugh.
He answers all three. He never used to answer did you have fun with anything but yes.
The other thing about did you have fun is that it puts the responsibility for the day’s emotional grade on the kid. Whether the day was good is now their job. They don’t want that job. They want to come home.
So I dropped the question.
— Maren