Another mom corners you at pickup. Her son has been benched for two games. She thinks the coach is being unfair. She knows you have a good relationship with the coach. Could you mention it next time you talk to him?

The instinct is to say yes. You don’t want to be unhelpful. You like her. Her son is a good kid.

Don’t say yes.

Why this is a trap

You are being recruited as a proxy. If you mention her son to the coach, three things happen. The coach knows you came at his request, which makes him distrust both of you. Her son’s situation does not change. And you become the parent everyone uses to deliver complaints.

The right answer

I hear you. I’m not going to bring it up to the coach. He needs to hear it from you, not me. Want to think through how to ask him?

Two sentences. Kind. Firm. Then you offer to help her, not to substitute for her.

If she pushes

Some parents will push. He’ll listen to you. He won’t listen to me.

The right answer here is the same. He’ll listen to you more than you think. And he won’t listen to me delivering your message.

Why the coach will respect this

If the coach finds out you tried to be a proxy, he loses respect for both of you. He will be polite. He will not trust you the same way again.

If the coach finds out you declined to be a proxy, he will respect you more, even if he never says anything.

Helping her without being her

Walk through the conversation she should have. I’d ask about your son’s role. Not playing time. Role. What is coach trying to develop in him? What’s the next step?

That’s the help she actually needs. Not a delivered message. A way to deliver it herself.

The longer arc

Parents who learn to advocate for their own kids raise kids who advocate for themselves. Parents who outsource the conversation raise kids who never learn to have it.

By being unwilling to be a proxy, you are doing her son a small favor he won’t know about for years. His mom learns to talk to coaches. He watches her do it. He learns from her.

The short version

Decline the favor. Offer the help. Walk away.

You’ll be glad you did. So will she, eventually.