Tryouts at 9am. It’s 7:50am. Your nine-year-old is in bed with the covers pulled over her head saying she doesn’t want to go.

Three things could be happening. The response depends on which.

Possibility 1. Anxiety.

She is scared. This is the most common cause. The fear of cutting, the fear of doing badly, the fear of the unknown.

The right response. Calm pressure to go. I hear you. I get it. We’re going anyway. Let’s get the cleats on. Said firmly, kindly. Don’t argue.

Anxiety lies. The cure is the experience of doing the thing and being okay. By 11am she’ll be glad you made her go.

Possibility 2. A specific problem.

A kid she doesn’t like is at the tryout. A coach she had a bad experience with is running it. Something specific.

If she names the thing, you address the thing. That kid will be there but you don’t have to interact with him. You can stay in your group. Or that coach is just one of three. You can show your stuff to the others.

Sometimes the specific problem is real enough that you skip the tryout. Most of the time, it’s an anxiety in costume, and the cure is going.

Possibility 3. She doesn’t want to play this sport.

She has been hiding it for weeks. The tryout is the moment it surfaces.

If this is the cause, you don’t go. You sit on the floor next to her bed. We don’t have to go. Tell me what’s going on.

Then you have a real conversation about whether this sport is right for her. That conversation is bigger than the tryout. The tryout was the trigger.

How to tell which one it is

Anxiety: she is upset but can’t articulate why. Fear of going. No specific complaint.

Specific problem: she names something concrete. Coach Mike will be there. He yelled at me last year.

Done with the sport: she has been quiet about it for weeks. The morning’s refusal is consistent with a months-long shift.

The morning of

You probably don’t have time for a long conversation. You have to make a call.

Ask one question. Tell me one specific reason you don’t want to go.

Her answer routes the response. Vague answer is anxiety. Concrete answer is specific problem. I don’t think I want to play this anymore is the third category.

If you skip

If the answer is the third one, skip the tryout. The tryout fee or registration is a sunk cost. Forcing her to go does not change that she is done with the sport.

A skipped tryout that produces a real conversation about her relationship with the sport is more valuable than a tryout she went to angry.

If you go

In the car, calm. Don’t relitigate the morning. Don’t say see, this is why we needed to leave on time.

Music low. Drive. I’m proud of you for coming. Said once.

The pickup

Don’t ask whether the morning fight was worth it. Don’t say aren’t you glad we made you go.

Just how was it. Listen.

The longer arc

The kid who refuses to go to a tryout is communicating something. The skill is figuring out what they’re communicating without crushing them.

Most of the time, the right move is calm pressure to go. Some of the time, the right move is to skip and have the harder conversation. Knowing the difference is the parent skill.

You’ll get it right most weeks. The week you don’t, you adjust the next week.